Peek Through The Frosted Glass

My name is inconsequential. My purpose here is to chase after the calling God has so...benevolently bestowed upon me. Indeed, I don't want to be doing His will. It's hard. Painful. And it so often leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth and disgust in my heart at my absolute suck-i-tude. I am horrible at following Him.

And yet, He still calls me.

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

I became a true follower of Christ on October 5, 2003. (Incidentally, though it happens to have nothing to do with this blog or my story, my big brother got married on that very same day this year.)

I never doubted God's presence. I just had a great many interesting, heretical and often ludicrous ideas about God, growing up. He was there, but He was married to Mother Nature, and He wasn't my King (just some benevolent dude who created the universe) and He had set the world into motion through scientific means.

Miracles had no place in my theology.

I was (and more often than not, am to this day) a being of science rather than faith.

In my mind, back then, the two could not coexist. I remember one summer, hanging out with the neighbor kids up the street who were all very, very into God and religion. I was wicked enough as a child to enjoy the absolute shock and horror on their faces when I boldly spoke out, stating I believed unflinchingly in evolution nearly every time we got together. I got a kick out of their expressions and the halting, esoteric, just-because-I-say-so arguments they flung back at me. But nothing that could be backed up, could be proven like the arguments I had built about evolution.

Proof trumped faith.

Science had my heart before God. I suppose it was only right that God reclaimed it through the use of my false god.

I became a people-pleaser in high school. I had grown tired of being the bully of my elementary days, had been humbled and very nearly broken by bullies myself in middle school and decided that it would be much easier to be nice to everyone. To go out of my way to please them. At least that way, I could maybe count them as friends rather than enemies.

That got old quite quickly. Trying to be friends with everyone I met nearly tore me to shreds. And it wasn't until my senior year that I realized why. Senior year was the first year I was in a bible study. We studied Matthew for a while and then, because people were desiring a challege (like love your enemy is not a challenge...but whatever), our leader Brian decided that we would study Revelation.

If anyone has read that book, having no background in biblical theology or any real knowledge of God, you might understand how I felt.

It was hard.

It was frustrating.

It was freaking scary.

The idea of fire and brimstone. End times and all that scared and almost scarred me. But I was also fascinated. Who was this God that saw fit to take one man and not the other as they walked up a hill. Who had chorus upon chorus of angels singing His praises every moment of every day into forever?

It was a puzzle. A puzzle I intended to solve.

I set about solving the enigma that is God. I sought understanding, because once I understood him I could step back and say, (quite smugly, I'm sure) "Ah. Okay." And go happily along in my life.

As you can hopefully tell...I don't understand God to that extent even now, nearly six years since I've started. Some times I feel like I know Him less than I did then, and others, I feel like I know Him more.

The latter was what occured when I began researching the Mormon religion. I knew Him in that moment, well enough to recognize His voice. Recognize the press of His Calling on my life.

And all of a sudden I was something I had sworn never to become.

An apologetic.

'Leave that to others, to the people who can actually influence with words, with what they say and do.' I was quite content to spend my time learning about God. Because I'm a learner. I am not a very accomplished teacher.

And still, He called me.

What could I do but answer?

So, I am attempting to gather my theological thoughts, holding the Christian faith and Mormon faith under a microscope, side by side for comparison. One is truth. One is a lie.

Stay tuned to find out which is which.